i don't use this so i am going to write this as if no one reads my blog.

'hey, you always seem so happy.' 

if only you knew the truth. i can't ever be happy. i'm never happy. i don't think i have ever been genuinely happy in years. i have nobody. people talk to me as if they think i have a great life, and then i have those people who want to bring me down because they assume i'm vain. they don't understand that i fucking hide behind this smile, i'm allowed to pretend everything is okay. it's my way of avoiding things. i don't think anybody knows what i'm really like. does that make me fake? no, it just means i'm fucking scared. 

i'm alone. i never feel like i can talk to anybody because no one will understand.

my memories of college years. 

this is so i never forget.

2007
the year where chris brown, sean kingston, rihanna, my chemical romance and fall out boy where the ONLY thing we would play, on repeat too. we would play ' your guardian angel' on our old ipods with the headphones on full blast because cellphones didn't have speakers then, thinking we were the shit. guys that wore skinny jeans where considered the hottest things alive. no body used the term slut, bitch, or skank. it wasn't in our vocabulary. everyone was still a virgin to everything. we were all so innocent.

2008
the year where everyone was getting into disturbed, slipknot, and wanted to learn musical instruments. the year were my friends & i had our first proper relationships & make out sessions. ew. we would sneak out really late at night, see some boys, get caught, make fun of the security guard at the mall just to run away from him, do anything and everything for a thrill and a laugh. all except drugs and alcohol. the thought of that stuff never even came to our minds. we were too young. we were still into wearing our black skinny jeans, big hoodies that we would steal from the boys we liked. we didn't even have a second thought of 'sex.' 


2009
the year everything happened. where everything changed. girls two years below me weren't virgins. had boyfriends years older than them, hooking up in the corridors at school. but soon enough, i fell into doing the same things. falling in what i thought was 'love' for the first time. this was the year many people started to drink and do drugs. yup, once again, i fell into doing it as well. i was always hanging out at click with my boyfriend, meeting some people i'm really close with now. this year taught me so much things, even if it was the most crazy and stupid year to ever exist. 


2010
this year, also happens to be last year. i had to deal with the person i fell for moving away forever. how did i deal with it? it was the party year. the year i didn't give a fuck about anything anymore. the year where i wouldn't tell my mum anything, not where i was going, not who i was seeing, not anything. just lies about where i was staying. the year i met pretty much everybody i know now. i ended up meeting the guy i have only ever had true feelings for in this year, and i still remember the look he had in his eyes when he saw me. i really miss 2010. 


2011
this year has probably been my favourite year. being year thirteen at school was amazing, and you felt so in control of everything. i'm going to miss school so much. this year has had it's ups and downs. ups- feeling like a had someone there, who was just as weird as me. kissing some pretty cute boys (shhh. naughty, i know.) sneaking out, not once, not twice, but 5 times. aha, whoops. downs- being a mess, my puppy passing away, breaking up, and fighting with friends over stupid shit. going out to parties was pretty fun, but i feel like i'm over that now. i haven't been drunk since some time in august, and it's december now. i'm not too bothered. :) this year has just been amazing. that's all i can say. 

2012, you have a lot to live up to.

hi. i am just going to have a little vent right now.

 i always see videos on the internet and posts saying things like;

'i know i'm a plus size girl and i get called fat, but at least i am beautiful on the inside.'

'girls starve themselves just to be skinny.'

'marilyn munroe was a plus size girl, and she's beautiful. not skinniness.' 

'i always get bullied for being fat. i hate being fat. skinny girl have it so easy.'

etc, etc, and people have SO much respect for these girls for saying things like that, because i know i do. 

but, there's one problem with all these posts. it happens to everyone, regardless of weight. i'll admit, i am quite skinny. i hate it. all these posts are bullying girls that aren't 'plus size.' do you know why? you're telling us we're not beautiful on the outside and inside. you're saying because we have little bodies, we have shit personalities.  

you're complaining about your body size, and being abused & bullied about being fat. well, when you're skinny, you have to put up with the fact that when people meet you, they assume you're a slut, whore, skank, and that you have a shit personality. so STOP saying that us skinny girls have it easy, because we don't. we have it the same way you do. all of us get abused & hurt one way or another. 

if you hate being judged about your weight, stop judging others too. 

haha, i love this so much. -wants-

kinda stuffed up, isn't it?

how all of a sudden, someone just wakes up and decides to never talk to you again. no reason. no explanation. no words said. they just leave you hanging like you never meant shit to them, and what hurts the most is how they made it look so easy.  

i want to hug you & never let you go.

i love it when you call me big poppa

throw ya hands in the aiyuh, if youz a true playah.

be so happy that 

when others look at you

they become happy too.

________________________________

his smile is so cute. he doesn't care what anybody thinks. he's shy and adorable.  he lights up my whole day. nothing is more perfect to me than him. he helps me, he asks if i'm okay, he gives me cute  cuddles, but he doesn't even know the way i feel about him. he told me he had feelings for me.. why don't i just say  i have them back? because i'm scared? worried? maybe, i'm too paranoid. i don't wanna be hurt. 

but i know he's that one boy, the one i want. 

i found a cute note this morning i forgot about. it said;

i never thought i would ever have a chance with you. i can't help it, but after all the fun times & cute little cuddles, i find myself falling for you. you always make me feel like the most special guy in the world and i would feel like the most luckiest guy if i had a chance with you. you make me wish i was with you. if i was, i wouldn't let you go. i love everything about you & i would do anything to make you mine.. i don't know if it's your cute smile, beautiful eyes or amazing hair, but i just can't stop smiling when i think about you. i'm not normally so lovey dovey.. but you mean a lot to me & i wanna try my best with you.

it made me realize how lucky i was. but i always throw things away.

  i just don't learn, do i?  

_______________________________________________________________

I WAS TOLD TO STAY AWAY

THOSE TWO WORDS I CAN'T OBEY.

i would rather see your face in hell than speak another word of this perfect world.

                                     BONEYARDS.

-PARKWAY DRIVE.

this is going to bore people, i bet.

but, there is this one boy, who is driving me completely crazy;

he says he likes me, says cute & sweet things, makes me feel special, puts a smile on my face most of the time.

& then he has those days.. where it's all about another girl. he doesn't talk to me, and without trying, gives me this 'i don't wanna talk to you at the moment because i have heaps of other girls lined up.' 

it gets to me, yeah. but at the same time, i refuse to be with him because i know i wouldn't feel secure. 

this is never going to work.. 

i wonder if anybody else has ever had this problem.

everyone

hears what you say.

friends

listen to what you say.

best friends

listen to what you don't say.

PLANS FOR OCTOBER;

. be carefree.
. make money from odd jobs.
. go to the movies with someone i like.
. hakuna matata. 

never drinking again.

until nek weekend.

      there are times i hate you, 'cause i can't erase the times that you hurt me 

                              & 

                                                          put tears on my face.

dear you,

i’m looking forward to the day when i finally wake up next to you. you're the one i want to be beside with when i sleep. & you're the one i want to see first thing in the morning. the good morning kisses will be worth it. and i know,  all the wait will be worth it.

i just want you & that's it.

all your flaws, mistakes, smiles, giggles, jokes, sarcasm.

everything. i just want you.

______________________★___

i'm never very good at saying how i feel and talking about it.

-ADELE.

don't trust words.

trust actions.

2 ∞ & ⇨
to infinity and beyond.

❝  the greatest weakness of 

most humans is their hesitancy to 

tell others they love them 

while they're alive.  ❞

-OPTIMUS PRIME.

just because we don't talk, doesn't mean i don't think about you. 

i'm trying to distance myself, because i know i can't have you. 

i remember when you used to make me smile. it would be because of something cute or silly you said. or when you complimented me. i would blush and giggle. then i realized how silly my laugh sounded, so i would look down and try to hide so you wouldn’t hear it. of course you just thought that was even cuter. those were the good days.. the weird part is, i don’t miss you. i don’t miss you at all. i miss the memories.

  i miss the days when you were mine.  

 be careful who you trust. 

so many people will lead you to believe that they're your friends, 

 but in time their true colours will show. 

finally you talked to me. 

i know it sounds stupid but even you just simply talking to me made me so happy.

i'm sorry for what i've done.

even if you did say that it was okay, just as long as i'm happy. but the truth is, i'm happier with you than without you.

sometimes, to get someone's 

attention, you have to stop

giving them yours.

friends should learn not to fuck ex's.

i am going to write this as if it's my own mother fucking diary. if i could go and see you right now, i would. but instead, i am just sitting here wondering about it, and thinking of you. you're probably the person who has made the biggest impact on me. it feels like you don't even care. you were there one minute, treating me like a fucking goddess, the next minute we're complete strangers. i hate it. i know that i ran back to you the first time, but this time i want it to be different. i am not going to run after you again because you taught me a lesson from all of this. i need to be stronger and stop giving you what you want. you're just not the person i thought you were. you're changing into something ugly inside and out. may sound harsh, but it's the truth. i know you will never read this, and to be honest, i don't really give a fuck. but yet, i still love you.

telling people you're tired,

when in reality,

you're just sad.